2013 was probably the
hardest year I ever faced in my life, and God willing, it will remain
the hardest. For those who follow my articles, you will know that in
spring of last year, my wife left me, and ended our relationship
despite my wanting to work through it. And it hit me hard. I've never
faced a pain like that before. The result was what I can safely say
was a very real, deep depression.
It took me a while to
understand what it was because I was not really accustomed to this
kind of sadness. It was only natural to be sad and grieve, but I
always hesitate to declare anything as a depression because I feel
that the term is overused by the public... or perhaps underused when
it comes to those who are actually going through it.
It is important to
recognize when you're actually depressed and one of the ways I found
out was looking it up and making the connection that the signs of
depression were my reality. That sounds obvious, but not everyone is
aware that what they feel from day to day is unusual. Depression is
more than just being sad; it is intrusive. It is natural to be sad
from time to time, especially when things in life are stressful or
you go through a loss. But sadness should not continue to be a
pervasive presence in your day to day life.
Now, I'm not a
psychologist. I can only speak from my own personal experience and
some articles and videos that I've seen on the subject. I'm
definitely not an expert, but what I can do it help out with some
practical steps into helping curb your depressive thoughts. This may
not help everyone so if things don't get better, you may be going
through something much more severe than what I was going through. At
which point, I would recommend seeing a professional for help. I'm
not against the notion of medication for depression, but I also
believe that some cases don't need to go as far as drugs and it's
healthier to adjust your life style before your body chemistry.
1.) Don't feel blame.
Rationalizing anything
when you're depressed is not easy. Negative thoughts spiral out of
control and become irrational all too quickly. There is a certain
thought pattern that follows people where they feel guilt for feeling
depressed which makes them feel even worse. This wasn't as much the
problem with me as I knew I was depressed due to circumstance. My
thought pattern was that of immense loneliness and feeling completely
inadequate as a person. I felt that I would never be loved again and
that no one could accept me for who I was. But there was a deep down
more rational side of me who knew that these thoughts weren't true
and that it was just a season of sadness. But no matter how many
times I tried to tell myself this, the negativity would maintain a
stronghold. That's when I recognized the disconnect between who I was
and how I felt. I had no control over my emotions. As if I were in a
life boat trapped on the ocean, I could not avoid the storms, I just
had to survive them.
But that was the first
step to overcoming the depression; the knowledge that I was helpless
to do anything about it released me from the notion that if I were
only stronger or smarter that I could be cured of this. That, in a
way, lessened a build up of negativity toward myself.
2.) Talk honestly with
friends or family
One of the things that
I feel our generation really struggles with is being open and genuine
with people. And while I don't think you should open up to everyone,
you shouldn't be afraid to open up with some. It is shocking how many
people just don't want to hear what it is that you're going through.
I remember that if I talked about it because people asked me how I
was doing or whatever, if I opened up too much, people would
conveniently find ways out of the conversation. But what you're going
through is always on your mind so you feel like you need to dump your
emotions out... and you probably do. So, this is where you find out
who your real friends are.
I was very fortunate,
and I recognize that not everyone will have the same luxuries that I
had when I was going through my separation. When I moved out from my
wife's apartment, I moved in with my mom. My initial intention was to
only be there a couple of months until I found a place for myself,
but my sadness only worsened and the truth was that I needed to be
close to family. Isolation would have been disastrous for me. I'm
also fortunate in that I have a very good relationship with my mother
so being able to open up about my situation was not the challenge it
might be with some.
But I also opened up
with some select friends of mine. And I really mean opened up. I had
to be willing to let it all out, which meant talking about some of
the things I had done wrong and being willing to cry around them. I
mean, the crying is pretty much an inevitability when you open up
fully and, personally, I don't have a problem with that. I think men
are too afraid to cry, but it's a natural emotional response and we
shouldn't block that from ourselves.
3.) Eat proper food.
One of the things that
I came to for comfort was junk food and I knew it was bad, but I
indulged anyway. It was a sort of 'f-you' to my ex because she was
very controlling over what I spent money on and ate. Not that she
was wrong all the time, but I took my hurt and new found freedom and
made some unwise dietary choices. I ate a lot of nanaimo bars, not
gonna lie. But like most actions that are fuelled with selfish
intent, they have a tendency to backfire.
But the truth is that
junk food has a very short term benefit. It makes you feel good for a
short time, but doesn't provide you with the energy you need. And one
of the symptoms of depression is being really low on energy. Bad food
on top of a chemically skewed brain is bad news. It just elevates the
problem.
But if you think about
it, if much of depression is happening on a chemical level, you would
probably be best off doing whatever it takes to normalize your body
chemistry. We're not really made to each processed foods, refined
sugars, and deep fried fatty foods. Junk food is full of sugar, salt
and fat.
What I did was I
started to make my diet more protein based while increasing my
vegetable intake also, which has always been difficult for me because
I've never fully shaken off my picky eater younger self. I've
expanded my pallet, but I still have a tough time choking back
veggies. But I found that I could pack back handfuls of raw spinach.
While I don't really 'enjoy' it, I can easily tolerate it and made
that one of the main vegetables to take it, which is good because
it's a really healthy veggie, full of iron, calcium, potassium and
tons of vitamins. So I'm glad I can gag that one down.
4.) Exercise
Bettering my eating
habits was only part of it though. I also decided to start getting
into better shape. We are a people who are meant to be in movement.
For whatever reason, our society has developed to counter our own
biology, giving us jobs where we sit all day only to come home and
veg out on a computer. We are so inactive and that may be one of the
reasons why so many people suffer from things like depression. Up
until a couple of generations ago, jobs involved people being on
their feet. Agricultural life styles were the norm, where people
would have to wake up early to take care of things on the farm and be
active every day. Not to say that I'm not grateful for the
advancements we've made. I enjoy the leisure that a modern life
provides, but I've become increasingly aware that being active does
not come naturally and has to be a decision that you make. But I
promise that it is never a decision you regret. If you asked me even
a year ago if I would ever go to the gym regularly, I would laugh
because it just seemed so illogical. I had no interest in getting a
toned and muscular body; it seemed vain. But now I go regularly and
it is encouraging when I can physically see the results of working
hard. And my main reason for going is because when I sit around
inside too much, I feel a sadness creep in. After I work out, I feel
better both physically and emotionally.
You don't have to lose
a bunch or weight or gain tons of pounds of muscles either. Everyone
can have an exercise regime that suits them best. I tried running and
I hated it and felt more discouraged after. Wasn't for me, but I know
people who really get a lot out of it. Heck, I would even just
encourage people to go for a half hour walk a day. Just walk. It will
go a long way for your physical and mental health.
5.) Find a creative
outlet.
I was also very
fortunate that when my wife left me, I was in the process of making a
short film and was able to bury myself in that work. That provided
challenges on set, as sometimes I would be reminded of what was going
on in life and would have trouble composing myself, let alone be
funny, but those moments would fade fast enough. And it's not because
I was completely distracted. I don't think that's a solution; it just
delays the inevitable and also often doesn't even work. Rather, the
film making process, acting, and being with like-minded people who
share these passions, was really energizing. It was something that
brought me a lot of joy. How could that not counter a depression?
Making a film did
wonders for me, but that's something that I've known is my passion
for a long time. What if you don't know what it is that makes you
excited? I guess now is the perfect time to find it. At least the act
of trying things and doing something different is a push in the right
direction. Painting was something my aunt tried that she found she
connected with when she experienced a loss. I've heard some people
get a lot out of journaling. That can be one of the more raw and
direct ways of expressing your emotions and it's as private as you
like. There are any number of things you can try.
I must stress again
that I'm not an expert. I don't even really have myself fully figured
out. I still get depressed and anxious and it takes effort, or
sometimes just time, to get through it. But these steps have really
helped me through this last year and I wanted to share it with
someone who may need it. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help.
This is something that a lot of people need help with. I feel that in
the daily grind of just trying to get by with work and other
obligations, we really don't put enough emphasis on mental health.
Our brains are bombarded with stress and chemicals and who knows what
else and I think more people need to take a step back and really take
care of themselves. Mental health should be a bigger priority in our
culture. I honestly believe that.
If you have any more
recommendations or want to call me out on something I have completely
wrong, please comment below. I really appreciate feedback. Feel free
to share your experience and also if you're struggling to find
someone to talk to, you can reach out to me. Even if you're a
complete stranger, I will listen and help in any way I can.
Thanks!
[Originally posted on Sour Grapes Winery on June, 2014]
[Originally posted on Sour Grapes Winery on June, 2014]
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